Cinderella/Frozen Fever (2015)

Good news! You guys get a twofer today! Sure, the first part is for a short film, but there you go!

Frozen Fever
Directed by Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee
Starring Kristin Bell, Idina Menzel, Jonathan Groff and Josh Gad

On Ana's birthday, Kristoff and Elsa are determined to give her the best celebration ever, but Elsa's icy powers may be putting the party at risk!!!!!!

Ugh… UGH… UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I didn't think it was possible, but this is actually more cringe worthy of the original feature. With terrible lyrics and dumb ass situations that could be avoided with honesty and communication, this is five to ten minutes of torture. Not even Olaf provided the comedic relief to make me not want to stab myself in the ears and gouge my eyes out.

-1,000,000/10 (Yes, that's a negative)

Speaking of gouging eyes out.


Cinderella
Directed by Kenneth Branagh
Written by Chris Weitz
Starring Lily James, Cate Blanchett, Richard Madden and Helena Bonham Carter

When her father unexpectedly passes away, young Ella finds herself at the mercy of her Stepmother and her daughters. Never one to give up hope, Ella's fortunes begin to change after meeting a dashing stranger.

Even as a child, I was never a fan of this story (unless it included severed toes and gouged out eyes like the German original). Cinderella became a victim of her own kindness and never stood up for herself. And only when she won the heart of a Prince did she see a glimmer of hope to escape her own personal, self inflicted hell. I don't like this phrase because it insinuates that women can't be strong, but there's no other way to put it-- Cinderella needs to grow some balls.

The problems I have with this movie aren't this individual films fault. It's the source material. Disney has made a story about a kind woman getting her rewards and evil people getting what they had coming all along and turned it into a story in which a woman needs a man to truly be happy. By simply taking out the violent parts, the message changes completely.

It makes the titular character seem weak and unable to stand up for herself. She takes any and all crap that her stepmother and sisters dish out to her without having even the slightest bit of attitude. This girl has no self worth, whatsoever. If anything, this story is the reason curse words are so popular now. She should have just told them off the entire movie.

Not Picture: Cinderella giving her Stepmother the finger

with her right hand.

Possibly the most irritating thing about this story (not just the movie) is that Cinderella doesn't care if the Prince marries her or not. Sure, she loves him, but she understands there is order in who Royals marry. Yet, she refuses to tell him any information because she doesn't want the Prince to know she is just a servant girl. Because of this, we are dragged through another forty-five minutes of abuse, because she fails to think logically thus giving us the third act that has become a staple in the fantasies of young girls.

Again, none of these problems are the fault of the director or screenwriter. It is purely Disney who is to blame. In an attempt to make it more family friendly, it became a misogynistic story about how women need men to be truly happy… Sorry ladies, if you want to be happy, you're stuck with us! Disney told me so!

To add any positives to this film, the cinematography and costume designs were vibrant and beautiful. But they were overshadowed by mediocre acting and a story that reminds me of watching soap operas with my Grandma when she came to visit in the summer.

My Rating: 2/10

Seventh Son (2014)

Directed by Sergey Bodrov
Written by Charles Leavitt, Steven Knight and Matt Greenberg, inspired by the novel "The Spook's Apprentice by Joseph Delaney
Starring Jeff Bridges, Ben Barnes, Julianne Moore and Alicia Vikander

A young man named Thomas becomes the apprentice of the last Spook (not the racial slur) to fight evil spirits in the wake of the blood moon. His first great challenge comes when the powerful witch Mother Malkin escapes her confinement and aims to destroy the Earth.

I'm convinced that Jeff Bridges saw the synopsis of this movie, asked "can I grow awesome facial hair and speak in a funny old man voice?" and accepted once the answers to those questions were yes. For some reason, he is the only person that speaks with a British accent in this entire movie, albeit a slight one.

While the premise is interesting enough, the movie itself failed to keep me engaged. It is filled with questionable choices and poor performances. The plot seemed rushed and it felt as though many of the performances were "called-in". Julianne Moore specifically, was not at the top of her game. Granted, with her Oscar Nomination, I doubt she really cares.

Just give me my Oscar!

The action sequences were fun and the effects were decent. But overall, this is one you could skip. At least until it's released on DVD. It's not the worst movie ever made, but it's far from good. It's lackluster on all fronts.

My Rating: 4/10