Tusk (2014)

Written and Directed by Kevin Smith
Starring Justin Long, Michael Parks, Haley Joel Osment and Genesis Rodriguez

When podcaster Wallace Bryton goes missing in the backwoods of Manitoba while interviewing a mysterious seafarer named Howard Howe, his best friend Teddy and girlfriend Allison team with an ex-cop to look for him.

I went into this movie completely expecting to hate it. But half-way through it, I was entranced by the ridiculousness and absurdness and the arguably poetic nature of the story. Then, Kevin Smith does what he does best and completely ruined it by dragging out jokes too long.

It started out so strong with the banter between the protagonist and the mad scientist to the point that I thought that maybe, just maybe, Kevin Smith finally discovered how to make a movie that wasn't about people smoking pot. Then, as fast as it built itself up, if not faster, it crumbled to pieces into a drawn-out and unfunny SNL skit where the audience is expected to laugh just because the actors have a silly voice.

Never have I ever seen a movie fall apart so quickly. It's almost as if the entire film was just a prank that did nothing but waste every ones time. If this is supposed to be a comedy, it's not funny. If this is supposed to be a horror movie, it's not scary. It just exists.

One important aspect of horror movies that today's filmmakers seem to forget is that you have to make your characters likable in order for us to connect with the terror they're being put through. "Tusk" is not the only example of this short coming, but it is definitely an offender.

I may not have started this movie with the hopes of liking it, but I definitely felt that urge at some point before the fifty-minute mark. Kevin Smith wrote, directed, produced and edited it. And unfortunately I feel the latter is where he was mistaken. Ultimately, he didn't know when to cut a scene and call it a day. Scenes that began phenomenally quickly dwindled into horrendous-ness.

My Rating: 3/10

Disney and It's Fall from Grace

The following statement might cause me to lose a lot of things. It will certainly cause me to lose some friends. It may cause me to lose my family. But it will not cause me to lose my dignity. When you have something to say, it is more harmful to keep it inside and regret never saying it than it is just to blurt it out and deal with the repercussions. So here it goes…

I don't love Disney.

OH, SHIT!

Hear me out, Flynn and Pascal!

I don't HATE Disney. They have made some fantastic movies-- Movies I grew up with! I will always love "The Lion King", "Beauty and the Beast", "Peter Pan" and many others. But I've grown skeptical of everything they make now. They used to be groundbreaking! They used to take risks! They used to make Hollywood better! But not anymore.

With the purchase of Marvel, Lucasfilm, Pixar and several other big-name companies in the film industry, it would be foolish to think that Disney doesn't run the majority of film making in the United States. Hell, they're the Alexander the Great of movie studios. It's only a matter of time before they own damn near everything.

But that's not why I've lost faith in them. I couldn't care less if they owned everything in Hollywood. My problem with them is that they've lost their creative touch. And very few people have noticed, because in their eyes, as long as there is still an over-crowded amusement park in two of the hottest, uncomfortable locations in the United States that they can walk around from ride to ride and wait in line for two hours for a two minute attraction and use the excuse that they're on vacation to completely forget their manners and be rude to one another, they don't care.

Not Pictured: Countless trampled bodies and a flood of children's tears.

When I say they have lost their creative touch, I mean that they have become too safe. They only care about films that will make money, rather than creating great content that will become classics. They're making a "Toy Story 4" for crepe's sake (yes, crepe was intentional)! IS NOTHING SACRED?!

Name the last, truly mind blowing movie that Disney has made. One that A) Was not a sequel or spin-off, and B) A movie you will not forget for years to come. If you said "Frozen", you're wrong and I will get to why later. If you answered "Up", you are correct!

"Up" was the last film Disney made to take risks. It tackled very sensitive topics such as love, infertility,  grief, death, aging, mortality, eviction and the sadness that comes with being forced into a retirement home. And that was just the first ten minutes!

Sure, 2009 really wasn't that long ago. But when you release as many films per year as Disney does, you have to wonder when they'll start making good ones again. They have become too soft. I thought they would redeem themselves with "Maleficent", but that just became another example of how they are too afraid to take risks anymore.

The riskiest moves they made in this movie were her cheek bones.

They took what is debatably, yet still widely considered Disney's best villain and made her into a hero! I get what they were trying to do with the whole change of perspective thing. But in "Sleeping Beauty", Maleficent was unequivocally evil. You essentially took a villain that people loved to loathe and made her into an allegory as to why we shouldn't be so quick to judge Hitler.

OK, I realize that's a bit of a stretch. But come on! You can make a movie about a villain and still humanize them! They did it with Hitler after all! I'm sorry I keep bringing up Hitler, but it's just so easy.

This was lazy, simple storytelling designed to look deep and thought provoking. But really, it's just showing kids that that guy who is offering them candy to get into their van may have just had his wings stolen by your Dad and just wants to get them back.

Speaking of films designed to seem like something their not:

"Frozen", the film that kids love and parents used to love but now hate. When it first came out, everyone talked about how empowering it was to women. How Elsa just wanted to be who she was and Anna, through terribly written lyrics found out she doesn't need a man to help her with anything…

Except she definitely does.

Anna was getting nowhere until Kristoff came by to save the day. Then Disney did what they do best, and had two people who barely know each other fall in love… AFTER THEY JUST MADE FUN OF THEMSELVES FOR ALWAYS DOING THAT A FEW MINUTES PRIOR!

How am I the only one to see the hypocrisy in that? They essentially promised us they were going to break from their normal plot formula and then proceeded to use their normal plot formula. HOW IS THIS NOT INFURIATING PEOPLE!? It's essentially calling out it's audience for being too dumb to realize what's going on. And apparently, they're right. So more power to them I guess.

Of course, this whole article is subjective. These are just the ramblings of someone who watches a lot of movies and is tired of seeing the same movie over and over again with different titles. But more than that, I'm upset that Disney has become too safe for their own good.

They used to have amazing, heart wrenching death scenes of major characters.

They used to talk about life.

They used to teach us important lessons.

And they used to give us hope.

I know it comes off as if I'm saying you can't love these movies and you can't blindly love Disney. If that makes you happy and these movies bring you joy, that's great. I only write these incoherent rantings because I have noticed a change in the way Disney makes movies.

Disney has straight up told Pixar they need to make more sequels than they do original, stand-alone films. I understand why they did it. But I just can't stand it. There was a time when Disney sequels were straight-to-DVD side projects. And I miss those days.

Since 2009,  there are only four worth while movies created by Disney. You'd think that almost one a year is great until I tell you that they have made 65 movies since then. Disney has really fallen from grace.

But that's just my opinion… Perhaps my memory of Disney as a child overshadows the reality of it's mediocrity.

I do have high hopes for "Inside Out", though!

Open Windows (2014)

Written and Directed by Nacho Vigalondo

Starring Elijah Wood, Sasha Grey, Neil Maskell and Adam Quintero

A jilted fan finds himself pulled into a deadly game of cat-and-mouse after he accepts the opportunity to spy on his favorite actress via his laptop. A skilled hacker works his way into every aspect of the fan's life in order to control him throughout the night.

This movie is definitely interesting. It takes the fear of hackers and their obsessions with actresses and displays their computer onto the big screen. Filmed and edited entirely to only show the open windows (OH, I GET IT!) of programs on a computer desktop, the action never cuts away from what the protagonist is looking at on his screen. 

Instead, the director chose to only move from window to window, looking into various programs, phone calls and videos. The style of this movie is undeniably unique. And one that I feel will be copied in future movies. But that is where the positives end for this movie.

Sorry, Elijah

The entire plot seemed like it was attempting to be convoluted in order to impress, but rather than achieve that, it just felt simple and convenient. Many of the things that the computer hackers were doing  seemed overly fictitious and made up for the sole purpose of making the style this was made in less boring.

Topped off with terrible acting (Elijah Wood excluded), this movie had little going for it other than the unique filming style. If you want to watch a decent thriller film with a unique filming style, that happens to be starring Elijah Wood, might I suggest 2012's "Maniac". It's not amazing, but if you're looking for those criteria, that is a much better choice.

My Rating: 3/10

Cinderella/Frozen Fever (2015)

Good news! You guys get a twofer today! Sure, the first part is for a short film, but there you go!

Frozen Fever
Directed by Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee
Starring Kristin Bell, Idina Menzel, Jonathan Groff and Josh Gad

On Ana's birthday, Kristoff and Elsa are determined to give her the best celebration ever, but Elsa's icy powers may be putting the party at risk!!!!!!

Ugh… UGH… UUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I didn't think it was possible, but this is actually more cringe worthy of the original feature. With terrible lyrics and dumb ass situations that could be avoided with honesty and communication, this is five to ten minutes of torture. Not even Olaf provided the comedic relief to make me not want to stab myself in the ears and gouge my eyes out.

-1,000,000/10 (Yes, that's a negative)

Speaking of gouging eyes out.


Cinderella
Directed by Kenneth Branagh
Written by Chris Weitz
Starring Lily James, Cate Blanchett, Richard Madden and Helena Bonham Carter

When her father unexpectedly passes away, young Ella finds herself at the mercy of her Stepmother and her daughters. Never one to give up hope, Ella's fortunes begin to change after meeting a dashing stranger.

Even as a child, I was never a fan of this story (unless it included severed toes and gouged out eyes like the German original). Cinderella became a victim of her own kindness and never stood up for herself. And only when she won the heart of a Prince did she see a glimmer of hope to escape her own personal, self inflicted hell. I don't like this phrase because it insinuates that women can't be strong, but there's no other way to put it-- Cinderella needs to grow some balls.

The problems I have with this movie aren't this individual films fault. It's the source material. Disney has made a story about a kind woman getting her rewards and evil people getting what they had coming all along and turned it into a story in which a woman needs a man to truly be happy. By simply taking out the violent parts, the message changes completely.

It makes the titular character seem weak and unable to stand up for herself. She takes any and all crap that her stepmother and sisters dish out to her without having even the slightest bit of attitude. This girl has no self worth, whatsoever. If anything, this story is the reason curse words are so popular now. She should have just told them off the entire movie.

Not Picture: Cinderella giving her Stepmother the finger

with her right hand.

Possibly the most irritating thing about this story (not just the movie) is that Cinderella doesn't care if the Prince marries her or not. Sure, she loves him, but she understands there is order in who Royals marry. Yet, she refuses to tell him any information because she doesn't want the Prince to know she is just a servant girl. Because of this, we are dragged through another forty-five minutes of abuse, because she fails to think logically thus giving us the third act that has become a staple in the fantasies of young girls.

Again, none of these problems are the fault of the director or screenwriter. It is purely Disney who is to blame. In an attempt to make it more family friendly, it became a misogynistic story about how women need men to be truly happy… Sorry ladies, if you want to be happy, you're stuck with us! Disney told me so!

To add any positives to this film, the cinematography and costume designs were vibrant and beautiful. But they were overshadowed by mediocre acting and a story that reminds me of watching soap operas with my Grandma when she came to visit in the summer.

My Rating: 2/10

Grizzly (1976)

Directed by William Girdler
Written by Harvey Flaxman, David Sheldon and Andrew Prine
Starring Christopher George, Andrew Prine, Richard Jaeckel and Joan McCall

When a eighteen-foot tall grizzly bear terrorizes a popular National Park during peak camping season, the head Park Ranger must protect the visitors from its wrath.

In an attempt to become the "Jaws" for the woods, this movie takes damn near every single plot point and filming style from Spielberg's classic thriller. Everything from the shooting style (having angles from the perspective of the creature), to having a Park Manager (the Mayor in "Jaws") who refuses to close the mountain risking the lives of their visitors for the sake of money.

It even has a war veteran who has stories that give him extra inspiration to seek revenge on the killer animal. And he makes huge speech about a tragic even caused by the bear much like Quint does in the 1975 film (Spoiler: Even the endings are the same).

Yeah… This happens.

The only thing they didn't rip-off, excluding the antagonist and location of course, was the soundtrack. The soundtrack to this movie switches between sounding like it's from an old western film to that of a romantic film from the 50s. It is so unfitting that it's laughable. And that's not the only thing funny about this.

The scenes in which the bear kills someone are pretty hilarious. I don't know if it would have been scary back in the 70s, but today it'll just make you laugh. The acting is terrible. 90% of the scenes throughout the entire movie are ADR'd (Automated Dialogue Replacement). And the way the killing scenes are shot have been parodied by too many modern comedies to not produce a chuckle.

This movie isn't bad enough to be good like "Troll 2" and other great-terrible movies. And it's certainly not good enough to be good. It's just bad. The blatantly stolen plot points from "Jaws" don't help it's case either. It does have an awesome poster, though.

My Rating: 2/10

Iron Sky (2012)

Directed by Timo Vuorensola
Written by Jarmo Puskala, Johanna Sinisalo, Michael Kalesniko and Tim Vuorensola
Starring Julia Dietze, Christopher Kirby, Götz Otto and Peta Sergeant

In 1945, the Allies of World War II defeated the Nazi's. But what they didn't realize is that some of the most prominent members of the National Socialist Party (including Hitler) traveled to the dark side of the moon and started an Aryan space colony. When an American astronaut is caught by them in 2018, it sets forth a plan for the Nazi's to return and take over the planet.

Sometimes as an avid movie watcher, you just get tired of watching heavy movies. They ware you down. So during those times, you seek out the most ridiculous movie you can find. Some ways you can search for movies like this are the topic you feel like watching, then adding the word "space".

This movie is so gleefully terrible and ridiculous that I'm pretty sure the script only had two words over and over again. "Space Nazis. Space Nazis. Space Nazis". Complete with a Sarah Palin-esque president, a black man that is turned white with Nazi science, a beautiful blond woman, Zeppelin shaped space ships and references to the German film "Downfall".

Nazi science? Did he say Nazi science?

If you go into this movie expecting anything other than absurdness, you will hate it. And this is not a good movie at all. But if you go in with the right mind, you will enjoy it for it's silliness. The only thing missing from it is a Nazi riding a T-Rex.

Which WILL be in the sequel!!!

My Rating: 2/10 (But in a good way)